october 27 2021
way to go, girl. you only had to make it 2 more days without drinking. and it's not like you even had a single day off.

this is my life.

two family members died yesterday. both unrelated. both completely accidental. i don't know how i feel, but obviously i'm feeling something. i'm cleaning and organizing the house and drinking everything in sight... so yeah. trying to keep the thoughts away, i guess.

is that going to be me in 10 years? in 20? tripping and hitting my head instead of dying of liver failure?

it's not even about me. i feel like shit because i can't even reach out to the ones hurting the most. i've cut everyone off, i've disappeared. i don't even know how to get a hold of them, or if they'd appreciate hearing from me after all this time.

fucking hell. i'm such a horrible human being.

listening to: rabbit in your headlights

october 25 2021
it's terrifying. there's about 5 hours i can't account for last night.

i spent the entire night in a panic. unable to sleep. heart trying to break free of my chest. but i refused to do anything that might calm my nerves. i didn't check my internet history, my social media, or messages. i just laid in the dark letting the anxiety take hold of me.

blacking out is, unfortunately, common. that's not the terrifying part.

i passed out on the office floor. good for me, i always put myself to bed when i've had too much.

but he found me, and i don't know what was up on the computer screen. did he see this site? did he catch my username? did he read it all?

it's not like these are secrets i wouldn't share with him. but these are things he absolutely does not want to know.

these are things that are better left unsaid... to him. but i still need to get them into the universe. to analyze the details, the feelings, it's therapeutic to me.

i don't want him to worry. i don't want him to realize how washed up and used i am. in a way he knows. but he doesn't deserve to know the details.

fuck. just fuck.

feeling: is there a word for drunk & hungover?

october 24 2021
i've been waiting for a dream about you. why haven't you shown up?

whenever i need you most you appear. alive and well. with that warmth and love i'm always craving. i'm selfish. i just want to feel close to you again. to have that other half by my side.

i went down the rabbit hole of the wayback machine a few days ago. livejournal was littered with pictures of you. for a moment it felt like you're still here. it's not fair.

i feel so guilty for not reaching out. it had been years since we've spoken. but finding your facebook... i knew instantly something was wrong. i should have reached out. i wish i had. i told myself the next time i can drink enough to not feel embarrassed i would...

... but it was too late.

i just hope you found your peace.

october 24 2021
grab a bottle of wine and a glass.
"it's that type of day, is it?"

really, it's not. i'm not trying to suppress anything. i'm not having trouble dealing. i'm just so tired of this numbness. the solitude of the internet. the waiting for life to change.

feeling: ready to blackout

october 17 2021
nothing like seeing one of my rapist front and center on linkedin.

successful and making the most out of life.

it's not fair. it's not fair. it's not fair.

let's look back on this as logically and unemotional as possible.

i was running behind. still doing my hair and makeup when you showed up.

"damn, dee, you're already drunk!"

no, no i wasn't. i hadn't had anything. i didn't have time to.

ok, i'm ready, let's go. but no, you noticed the melting vodka on ice on the counter. you urged me to chug it. what you didn't know was that i always mixed vodka 50/50 with water.
i drank it and felt nothing.

in the car i ask about the others we're supposed to pick up. oh, they're running late. they'll meet us at the club.
you mention how drunk i am, then you hand me your phone, i reply to a few texts. it all seemed so normal - minus the whole me being drunk part.

we get to drais. a party rock wednesday. i loved those nights with LMFAO. i never had any interest in picking up guys. i just wanted to dance.

so, we get inside and your friends still aren't there. we go to the bar and i order a grey goose pear on ice. something i've never been able to drink since. you tell me to go sit in the booth in the back of the room. our friends are expecting to find us there. you'll bring our drinks.

the next thing i know is that you're telling me we're getting kicked out of the club. i look down at my nearly full drink. i stumble. the bouncers are escorting us out.

we get in your car and you tell me i had too much and i shouldn't pregame so much next time.

i'm confused.

i wake up and we're on the freeway, about 30 minutes from my house. you yawn. you exaggerate your yawn. oh, you're so tired you can't finish driving? so convenient there's parking lots on the side of the freeway. you pull into one.

you mention once again, how drunk i am. how tired you are.

i pull out my phone and start checking facebook. you didn't expect me to be awake.

"you need water or you're going to be so hungover in the morning"

conveniently, you have bottles of water in your trunk. you take your time getting me one.

the next memory i have. it's the morning. and you're having, what i assume, is another go at me.

do i need to mention that i would never? not in a million years?

it wasn't my first, nor my last time being roofied. it makes you so sick. i called out of work. it was a thursday.

on friday i get to work. the office is in an uproar. you quit. you, the ceo's best friend. the lead engineer. you quit without another job lined up.

i was relieved, i didn't know how i would handle it all.

i never told anyone.

you moved across the country. got married. had children. you're successful. you're rich. everyone still loves you.

and i'm forever picking up these pieces of me.

listening to: moving units

october 16 2021
a week of [almost] sobriety. and a week of sleep. my stress has only gotten worse. i honestly didn't think this would be my life at this age. isn't it supposed to get better at some point? isn't some achievement supposed to bring me joy? i'm never enough. i'm never good enough. i'm always failing and fucking up somehow.

i work so hard for nothing.

that old friend that reached out? disappeared just as quickly. i sent the longest, most heartfelt message a week ago, and nothing. she's been on daily, so it's not like she didn't see it. i guess this is what we do. us with no friends, i mean. obsess and check and check and check. i tried. it was hard for me to open up after all this time. i tried.

and now we're here. drinking alone in front of the computer. something we've always done. i've hit my limit, but with the upmost respect for myself, i will have one more. why is this the only thing that brings me joy? that makes me feel okay?

listening to: pinback

october 10 2021
i still remember the first time listening to this song. a lonely december night.

locked in my childhood bedroom. plunging into the depths of my klonopin addiction.

browsing images of rain bokeh on deviantart.

another one, and another.

god, it felt so good.

all the emotions. everything was so saturated.

and my mind just turned off.

and my friend from soulseek. andrew, was it? you had schizophrenia and eventually disappeared. i'll always cherish those nights keeping each other company.

it was shortly after that i went too far with it all.

i actually think this song was playing then, too.

but i would fucking kill to experience it all again.

i've never been the same. was it the addiction? the depression it caused? or the withdrawal? my mind has always felt broken since.

but i am such a whore for feeling.

and i miss it.

listening to: we laugh indoors

october 10 2021

finally. i'm alone and having a few drinks. i desperately need to reset myself.

work is taking over my life. i never wanted to have a real career. just do something i'm good at, make money, and sign off at the end of the day. now, i feel like i'm being forced to climb the corporate ladder and engage in the office politics. and i honestly can't handle it. i just don't understand why all these young people need to be so cutthroat in a fucking startup company. we're all on the same team. we can see the ceiling. why are you doing this?

my oldest friend reached out. it's been over a year since we've spoken. i'm glad we can just pick up like it was yesterday. i feel so guilty about not speaking to her sooner. i know i was a bad friend. i'd like to apologize, but at the same time i feel like it's almost too personal. like, sorry i haven't been around, but i've been reliving all the sexual, physical, and emotional abuse i received in the first 30+ years of my life that i just so conveniently had forgotten about. like, how the fuck do you go about saying that to someone? you don't, and you continue looking like a bad friend.

but the thing is that i know she'd understand. she was the very first person to say, "holy shit you were raped." but it wasn't until a year ago that i finally got to fully remember that moment and realize what happened.

i feel so fucking betrayed by my mind.

it's been a long time. she has her own issues. she doesn't need to worry about mine.

i'm too drunk for anything more.

october 04 2021
what was the year? 1998? 1999? either way, i had these bright blue pajama pants. aliens in ufo's. the year "2000" strewn across. god, i loved them. i wore them for nearly the next ten years.

but, that year was good for me. i quit figure skating for the first time. and i actually made friends. all 7 of us girls in this elementary school were close. and like, 3-4 guys as well. we'd have sleepovers, the promise of going to highschool together, it was good.

i remember one girl's parents took us to see a live showing of the rocky horror picture show. i dressed up in my best pleather, had the time of my life. i couldn't believe it. i made it. i'm normal. i have friends.

the next week i'm in class with everyone else. our principal comes charging down the stairs. without saying a word, she grabs me by the ear and drags me upstairs. literally drags me by the ear. once in her office i'm just confused and in shock.

"you know exactly what you did."

i really had no idea.

she pulled out fucking screenshots of my geocities website.

"this is exactly what you did wrong"

i was so fucking confused. i had a website about me, and the music i like. with lyrics. because that's what you did in geocities in the 90's. you posted lyrics of songs that weren't in the cd/tape sleeve.

i don't remember the next quotes, and i'm not one to fake it. something about columbine was said. creeps on the internet finding us. because i posted a group photo of me and my friends.

just a random photo of us girls that i scanned into the computer.

i was expelled right then and there. maybe three months to my 8th grade graduation.

as it turns out, one of the girls i thought i was friends with got caught being inappororiate with men in yahoo chat. her parents went though her computer and saw my website. she said i taught her.

i never fit in there. from the beginning. i'm not religious, my family never was, and my brother is mentally ill. it was easy to put the blame on me.

and it was.

and that was it. no one ever talked to me again. their parents forbid it.

and things didn't get better for me after that. the public school system here was overcrowded, and i was placed in 'special' classes because there was no room anywhere else.
despite being in honors in a private school.

i was bullied heavily.

it carried onto highchool.

no wonder i tested out at 15 and still feel like a reject to this day.

september 30 2021
made it through the annual skype call.

minimal alcohol. no tears. but it gets harder putting on that smile every year.

he showed up for a brief moment. the dogs were barking, face out of frame. i'm thankful for those distractions.

"when are you moving back to america?"
they actually seemed surprised.

enough of this, i'm going to drink until i black the fuck out.

september 29 2021
i used to be a gold medal figure skater. and later, a ballerina. and i used to like telling the sob story that ripped those away from me.

thinking about it now, i liked having a story that others could relate to about some of my trauma. something they could understand. a death, an illness, an unhappy accident.

drunk&honest now. i'm so glad it happened. as much as i miss it, i would be miserable in the spotlight.

my entire life i've had a group of people criticizing my looks. my body. how i spend my free time.

i never even had a friend until i was about 12. i had a broken leg to thank for that.

i can't imagine living like that for any longer than i did. so, i think my sob story is really a happy accident.

is this finally letting go? or just a cheap box of wine?

feeling: oh i found all the wine

september 28 2021
sometimes i search for your name online. hoping to get a glimpse into your life now. it feels wrong, i shouldn't be lurking around after all of these years.

but don't worry, i find nothing. you've erased yourself, too.

write a few sentences and all of those emotions are crashing into me. fuck.

and i still miss you. perhaps i shouldn't after how you blew everything up.

but it's rare when i find a heart like mine.

feeling: where's my wine?

september 26 2021
i woke up this morning just thinking about that first drink today. i don't know what it is. i don't know why i've been so extra lately.

i am tired. i haven't had a full night of sleep in weeks. i need to stop.

listening to: trentemoller

september 24 2021
the tears are not forming today. how many drinks until i feel better?

why must i always be improving myself? why isn't - good - enough? i'm fine right where i am. i can handle it. i'm happy here. i don't want anything more.

but they're never satisfied. and they just keep  pushing and pushing and pushing.

i can't relax. i don't know how anymore. this stress never fucking leaves.

what's the point of working so hard for this life when you can't enjoy a moment of it?

i just want to disappear.

listening to: radiohead

september 23 2021
it's the first day of spring.

the seasons here always confuse me. the sun hits different. or is it the same?

the sun has that same orange glow that feels like autumn. i can't tell my brain any different.

i'm a bit sad that i'll never get to experience a californian autumn again. wildfires on the side of the highway. smell of smoke filling the air.

and pumpkins and halloween. because that isn't a thing here.

maybe i'll go back someday.

drinking: white russian

september 22 2021
i need to start writing these when i can't sleep at night. the words come freely. my thoughts aren't fragmented. it's all so clear.

but here i am - 3pm - drunk on vodka - waiting for the day to end. thoughts and feelings i want to express but the words just aren't right.

my birthday's next week, and usually i'd have overwhelming _sadness_ isthistherightword? leading up to the day. but i'm feeling okay this year. you can't be disappointed that no one showed up to your party if you don't have a party or friends.

wish i would have known that sooner, but it's been a tough year of introspection.

thought change. okay, so i was abused pretty badly as a child. and naturally i found myself in abusive relationship after abusive relationship as an adult. and that's fine. and one thing that never really made sense to me was that i knew the abuse fucked me up, but i could never tell you why. the physical harm - like so what, it happened and it's over. big deal.

but it was this past year, my insomnia reached new heights and i forced myself to lie in bed and relive every experience scene by scene. and you know what occurred to me? it never was the abuse. it sucked, but i knew that person was bad and i expected nothing more from them. what fucked me up was the neglect from the people that should have protected me. i was never rescued. i was never comforted. i was never loved.

and i remember - it was one of the worst beatings ever. my dad locked away in his office. my mom, down the hallway. and i'm screaming and begging for help. and i finally see my mom coming down the hall to us and i just think _finally_

...and she closes the door in front of her. goes back to watching tv. i was a child, and she gave me away to this fucking monster.

and it's not just sadness or depression that i live with. i've been through a major depression, and it's completely different than my daily life. this is abandonment that i feel constantly. and i can never seem to fucking shake it. it's like your heart is forever dropping and hopeless.

and that. that's what i usually feel on my birthday. yeah.

at least i know what it is now.

listening to: liars

september 20 2021
you ever have those life-long friends that you just don't recognize anymore? i mean, everyone changes. sometimes for the better. and that's fine. but someone that was once on the same wavelength as me is suddenly so negatively positive. sadness isn't tolerated. those emotions must be remedied immediately. everything happens for a reason. and the most mind blowing one yet: spirituality.

like who the fuck are you?

...am i missing something here?

i can't help but think she's in the midst of a breakdown.

and i'm just going to be selfish and watch from the sidelines. bitter, perhaps. never once gave me a helping hand. fuck, it's been over 6 years since she's asked how i'm doing.

life-long friend, maybe not.

listening to: SBTRKT

september 17 2021
what would 16 year old me think of life now? i did it, i got away. married the love of my life. escaped everyone who ever hurt me. i'm living my dream. a far off country, the ocean, all the free time in the world.

so why am i so unhappy?

i feel like i just can't progress. i can't shake the abandonment from when i was a child. it follows me everywhere.

it's not fair. i used to think i was strong. independent. but i'm far from it. terrified to make a move. terrified to make a sound.

listening to: unwound

september 15 2021
another day, another beer in hand. my face flushes with every sip i take. i should quit, but how else would i fill my time?

i'm overthinking this. no one will read this. no one will care. i have spent so many years erasing myself from the internet. ghosting my friends. being completely silent. fuck, i even moved across the world to get away from it all. i'm terrified someone might get to know me. someone might recognize me.

and yet, i long for a friend. or just some type of human interaction. fucking pathetic.

let's move onto something stronger...

september 14 2021
twenty years and here we are again. my old site, my old feelings. nothing's changed.